MANAGING OUR WELL-BEING: PART 6, WE ARE NOT ALONE AND GO EASY ON OURSELVES

We are not alone

Really? You’re kidding me. You’ve been anxious about being a Leader/Parent? I always see you as so confident, able to handle it all?

How many times do we say or hear a variant of these words? For most of what we go through, we can be sure those around us have gone through similar things. We don’t speak about it. Just yesterday, a Leader wondered if others went through the same issues he is experiencing as a spouse and parent. This wondering leads to anxiety.

And this anxiety can be compounded when we hear about others who seem to waltz through their hectic lives. I remember reading an article about a “power couple”, friends of ours who had their own businesses. They came across as unfazed can-do people, at the same time as having 4 young children. I knew them as a delightful caring couple. However, the article left out the back story of having two sets of active grandparents nearby, a nanny, help to do the school runs and assistance with housekeeping. Nothing wrong with that, but if I did not know this, then I may ask, why am I struggling, with the anxiety that may go with that? If we do tell stories, let’s tell the whole story.

I’ve been around long enough to know none of us are exempt from what Hamlet called the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. When I get into a down, I know I am not alone. I am now Aware I do not immediately have to reach for the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)(1) and find some medical classification for how I feel and therefore how I can be fixed(2). Rather I first see this as a time to go easy on myself.

Go easy on ourselves

Let’s first use our energy in the most effective way. Try not to resist our downs. Rather let our energy go into Curiosity, into learning. If they continue, take Responsibility for reaching out, summoning our courage to make Requests to our support group, or finding help, someone to have a conversation with, be it a mentor, coach or counsellor (see Part 5). And in this way, gently moving these downs to the side.

In later Posts, I will chat about some challenges in saying Yes to the Mess (see Part 1) of my Relationships with Family, Friends, Interests, Career and Learning. For now, I will mention one story, when I left corporate life in 2000 and built up a sole legal practice over 8 years. It was successful financially and I relished the Relationships I built up. Working 24/7 became the norm. Stress gripped me; blinding me to my ARRRC. I felt I could not refuse work, I did not know how to say NO, driven by my story of being Responsible as the main breadwinner. But breadwinner for what? What about being Responsible for my Relationships with my loved ones. Slowly with Margi’s encouragement, I took time to re-engage with our intimacy, to re-engage with our rituals such as conversations each evening over a glass of red wine or a cup of tea. I became Curious about my way of being, becoming Aware of my lack of presence at home, even when physically there. I started to ask myself, for the sake of what am I becoming so absorbed in my Career at this point of my journey? Certainly not for my Relationships with my loved ones. Was it my ego? Was I trying to prove something to myself, that I could succeed in my own business? My Responsibility for my Relationships with Family came into focus. They had never asked for me to be successful professionally, that was not part of their identity. It was enough for me to be present at home, as their spouse and father. In 2008 an opportunity arose to return to corporate life, to a structure that had served me well in the past, a structure that enabled me to better deal with my stress. Our decision was easy, one driven by going easy on myself, taking care of my Well-Being, and thereby taking care of my loved ones’ Well-Being. Being Respectful, taking Responsibility.

QUESTION: What are your stories?

What’s Next?

In the next 2 POSTS, I will continue discussing factors that help us be in a space of peace and openness, actions that enable us to be Aware of what may be blocking actioning our ARRRC:

• In Part 7, our stories and our bodies
• In Part 8, our moods and emotions

I look forward to our next engagement. Until then, take care of yourself, your loved ones and your work teams.

Have A Question?

ARC Coaching, Mentoring & Facilitation is all about generative questions. Let’s travel together to create possibilities. See www.arccoaching.com.au

Contact Bill Ash at [email protected]

Footnotes

1. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DSM-5
2. I am not saying eg, clinical depression may not be present. My point is to challenge medical explanations and be Curious about our own way of being. Let me take a definition of ADHD: attention deficit hyperactivity disorder as a mental disorder of the neurodevelopmental type; characterised by problems paying attention, excessive activity, or difficulty controlling behaviour which is not appropriate for a person’s age: see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder and for the DSM definition see http://adhd-institute.com/assessment-diagnosis/diagnosis/dsm-5/ As a parent, I wonder how many children, at a particular point of their journey, have problems paying attention, excessive activity, or difficulty controlling behaviour simply from how we educate and our expectations of them. Rather than automatically look for medical explanations do we look for “environmental” explanations, how we parent or whether the school our child attends is appropriate for our child?

Prior Parts

https://www.arccoaching.com.au/well-us-relationship-part-1-setting-scene/

https://www.arccoaching.com.au/managing-well-being-part-2-introducing-our-arrrc/

https://www.arccoaching.com.au/managing-our-well-being-part-3-our-arrrc-awareness-curiosity/

https://www.arccoaching.com.au/managing-our-well-being-part-4-our-arrrc-responsibility-respect/

https://www.arccoaching.com.au/4108-2/